Let your partner influence you.
The aim of these reflections is not to recriminate and insult men because it is clear that it takes two people to break up a couple, so we are not just talking about men because it is also important that women treat their partners with love and respect. But there is research with data that shows that the vast majority of women, even in unstable couples, already behave in this way. Of course they get angry or even contemptuous towards their partner, but they allow men to influence their decisions, because they take their opinions and feelings into account. Quite often, however, men do not return the favour. Men's 65% react very differently. Their responses increase their partner's negativity to an argument. And this in four specific ways: with criticism, disdain, defensiveness or avoidance, thus escalating the conflict by resisting their woman's influence.
Instead of acknowledging the woman's feelings, the man uses these attitudes to overshadow her, to make her point of view disappear. This causes instability in the couple and it is vital that men are aware of this danger. For some reason, when a woman uses these attitudes the couple does not become more unstable because women accept their partner's influence, which could explain to some degree the sex differences and their influences on the couple. Thus, although both partners should avoid increasing conflict in this way, it is men who endanger the couple by doing so.
Signs of resistance.Accepting a spouse's influence does not mean that we never express negative feelings. Partners can survive many outbursts of anger, complaints or even criticism. Trying to suppress negative feelings in front of the partner does not benefit the partner and our blood pressure. The problem arises when the man meets even the slightest dissatisfaction on the part of the woman with a barricade, thus increasing the negativity instead of trying to mitigate it.
Most importantly, when a man accepts his wife's influence, his attitude improves the relationship by strengthening their friendship. This will improve our knowledge of our partner, foster affection and admiration and bring us closer to our wife. In this way the spouses have a solid basis for a compromise. After all, the better we listen to our wife and respectfully consider her point of view, the more likely it is that we will find a solution to the problem that satisfies both of us. If you turn a deaf ear to your partner's needs, opinions or values, there is no chance of reaching an agreement.
What men can learn from women. This happens not only because the absence of power struggles makes life as a couple more enjoyable, but also because men are open to learning from their wives. There is no doubt that women have a lot to teach men about friendship. In his book The Complete Book of Guys, Dave Barry writes about the huge gulf that exists between men and women with women being emotionally smarter than men for one simple reason: they get a head start in learning these skills. If you look at any group of boys you will see that when boys play games, usually chasing each other, the priority is the game itself, not their relationships with each other or their feelings. But for girls, feelings are paramount. The cry "I'm not your friend anymore" stops a game in its tracks. Play will only resume if the girls resolve the conflict.
When a boy and a girl play with the same toy, gender differences are evident. Where does this difference between boys' and girls' play originate? As it occurs in almost all cultures it seems to be a biological, rather than a social, cause. But whether it is nature or culture that causes these differences, their effect is undeniable. Because their play emphasises social integration and feelings in late childhood, girls have received extensive education about emotions. For a boy, his experience in cooperative play and rapid problem solving will be useful in a boardroom, but will be a hindrance in a couple's life if he has not acquired that experience along with an understanding of emotions.
This difference in upbringing is highlighted by the fact that, as they grow older, boys rarely play with girls, so they miss out on the opportunity to learn from them. An interesting theory, formulated by psychologist Eleonor Maccoby of Stanford University, found that even at the very young age of one and a half years, boys only accept the influence of other boys when they play, while girls accept the influence of both boys and girls. Around the ages of five to seven, girls get fed up with this situation and no longer want to play with boys. From then until puberty, our culture, and virtually all other cultures, provides no formal structure to ensure that boys and girls continue to interact.
Emotionally intelligent men. Data on newly married couples indicate that more and more men are undergoing this transformation, with 35% more men now falling into this category. This kind of man respects and honours his wife, will be more open to learning about emotions from her. He will come to understand her world, that of her children and friends. He may not be as emotional as she is, but he will learn to relate better emotionally to her, and therefore know how to show her that he respects and honours her. If he is watching a football game and his wife needs to talk, he will turn off the TV to be with her. He is choosing "we" over "I".
The emotionally intelligent man is the next step in social evolution. This does not mean that he is superior to other men in terms of personality, education or moral courage. He has simply learned something very important about life as a couple, something that others are still unaware of: how to honour his wife and show his respect for her. It's that elementary.
The new man is likely to make his career less of a priority than his family, because he has revised his notion of success. This not only benefits his partner, but also his children. Research shows that the man who knows how to accept his wife's influence, has also become a remarkable father. He knows well the world of his children, their friends and their problems. Since he is not afraid of emotions, he teaches his children to respect their own feelings and to respect themselves. He will also turn off the television for them, because he wants them to remember that their father had time for them. This new kind of man and father lives a full and meaningful life. Having a happy family makes it possible for him to create and work effectively.
Although there are men and traditional couples who know how to accept the influence of their wives, the truth is that the concept of sharing marital power is relatively new and has emerged in the wake of the great social changes that have taken place over the last few decades. The task of each man is to learn to assimilate this major transformation. This research clearly indicates that the only effective method is to embrace change rather than react with anger and hostility.
Learning to give in. Perhaps the fundamental difference between these two kinds of men is that the new man has learned that in order to win, it is often necessary to give way. If we drive through any modern city, we will find unexpected traffic jams and obstacles blocking our way. The first is to stop them, become indignant and insist that they remove the obstacle; the second is to make a detour. The first approach will eventually lead to a heart attack. The second, giving in to win, will lead us to our destination.
We can see a classic example of a man being made regarding the classic toilet seat issue. The typical woman gets irritated when he leaves the lid open, even if it only takes her a second to put it down. For many women, the open toilet seat is a symbol of male power. So a man can score a lot of points with his wife by simply lowering the toilet seat. The wise man smiles at his own wisdom as he lowers the lid.
Accepting a woman's influence is an attitude, but it is also a skill that you can cultivate if you know how to relate to your wife. If you find it difficult to accept your partner's influence, the best thing to do is to recognise the problem and discuss it with your spouse. You can't change old habits overnight, but if you are able to recognise which marital problems are caused by your difficulty in sharing power, you will have taken a big step forward. Your partner will be relieved and optimistic about the possibilities for improvement in your life as a couple.
Extracted and adapted from Gottman, J.M. and Silver, N. (2012). Seven golden rules for living as a couple.
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