Children with autism struggle daily with many things that other children handle naturally, and it can sometimes cause overwhelming anxiety and frustration. These feelings inevitably overwhelm them and are sometimes expressed as aggression or anger.
We encounter children who can fall into either extreme: they may be prone to anger or extremely docile. In the first case, the child oscillates between rage and what may appear to be provocation. At the other extreme, they may appear devoid of anger, without any provocation. Sometimes we find the same child at both extremes on different days or in different situations.
Short and long-term strategies
Children with autism need to learn how to recognize and understand anger in themselves and others, as well as how to control it. The last thing we want is for them to see aggression as a way to deal with problems. We can't afford to turn a blind eye. Physical violence is a particularly serious matter and can be very dangerous.
To address problems of frustration, aggression, or out-of-control anger, you need two strategies.
- A short-term strategy to help you handle explosive situations as they arise.
- A long-term strategy that will help you train him gradually, so that in the long run these situations will stop occurring.
The following tips are designed to help you handle explosive situations when they occur – or better yet, to prevent them from occurring, whenever possible.
1. Start acting when you are little:There are many reasons to address problems involving anger and aggression from a young age:
- He's easier to handle when he's smaller than you.
- The longer this behavior continues, the more patterns will become established and the harder it will be to break them.
- The child may see aggression as a way to express himself or herself or to get what he or she wants.
- You may like the sense of control you get from this behavior, as you may take it as a substitute for the security and acceptance you need.
- If he develops a bad reputation, this can lead to trouble anywhere. People may not want to be around him, and as a result, he'll become isolated and alienated. If this continues into adulthood, it can become a big problem, both for him and those around him.
2. Use steps to avoid a crisis: Remember: prevention is better than cure. It's not always possible to avoid a crisis, but there are some steps you can take to keep things from getting out of hand.
- Use a code or sign that your child understands and that you've introduced at another time, an image, a sign, a way of understanding the connection that exists with that sensation we want them to understand. Each mother/father must find the most appropriate vehicle for their child to understand and connect with this concept. The first step is to begin to recognize and subsequently control this state of crisis.
- Offers options It's like pre-teaching them tools after introducing that previous code or sign to resolve, or at least starting to offer resources that will be useful in this situation with our support: breathing, walking, picking up some material or object that we know gives them that feeling of tranquility we seek.
It won't work the first time; it takes a lot of training, but conditioning it in a calm moment will make it easier for you to connect with it in a crisis and for it to acquire resources with your help.
3. Reward him for staying calm Make "staying calm" a specific goal. When you notice him staying calm in a difficult situation, let him know and reward him for it, even if it's just a small thing. We often focus so much on the absences that we forget many situations that are normal and happen calmly, and rewarding those moments helps him clearly know where to focus his attention, too.
4. Have a Crisis Plan It can be very difficult to handle a meltdown at the moment it happens. How can you control your child during a tantrum? Take steps and find strategies to handle meltdowns now. It may help to write them down. Think realistically. What has worked before? What has failed? Are there any new ideas you can try? You're the person who has the best idea about what might work.
From these ideas, create your crisis plan. This will help you and your child know in advance what will happen and what steps you will take if an "explosion" occurs. Test your crisis plan and evaluate how it works. If necessary, adapt it and try new things.
5. Cut these situations off at the rootWhen you see a situation developing that could lead to an explosion, stop it and cut it short. Your firmness will provide security and prevent him from getting entangled in a more complex situation.
6. Stay calmWhen things get tense, don't add fuel to the fire. Give him the impression that his poor behavior makes it less likely he'll get what he wants. Be careful! Try not to reinforce these situations negatively, but rather neutrally, because his profile sometimes tends to focus on both reinforcements, and both will make the behavior worse.
7. Let him play in an empty room: Sometimes we can be surprised when in situations where the child becomes violent, angry... the possibility of leaving and leaving him alone can sometimes improve his anxiety levels when the people in the audience leave can reduce the tension of the situation.
Over time, the management of these situations can greatly improve, but the need to address these crises promptly and consistently is absolutely necessary for our children, who present significant social difficulties and require so much help. Let's provide it quickly and effectively to eliminate as many barriers as possible, and as quickly as possible.
Cristina Oroz Bajo
Sources: Text adapted from “Raising Children with Asperger’s Syndrome: 200 Tips and Strategies” (Brenda Boyd)