10 keys to managing tantrums and building family harmony.
BUILD. POSITIVISM. REALISTIC. RESCUE. TRANQUILITY. AFFECTION. PREVENTION. BAD TECHNOLOGY. FEARLESS.
– [ ] Build
The way you react, act, and resolve issues is the way your children will behave socially in the future. So be consistent and build a framework of self-reflection, example, and analysis that makes a difference. Cultivate yourself because you're also very likely to find that your own shortcomings are your children's own, and by addressing them, you're helping them do the same. Consider whether the way you behave with them is the way you would like them to behave with their friends, their boss, their partner, etc., especially in moments of conflict or lack of communication, because that's where difficulties seem to arise in adults and children.
– [ ] Positivism
Neutrality is a good starting point, since a smile in the face of a stressful moment for our little ones could almost be a sign of mockery. After this phase of coming to terms with the situation, we can move forward. We should always strive to find the positive aspects of every situation. Simply expressing ourselves is a good starting point for self-controlling our own behavior. If we don't express ourselves, we're talking about another level of learning where more sophisticated resources are needed to reach this same point of redirecting less-than-acceptable behaviors. Keep this in mind. On the other hand, we must arm ourselves with positive teaching strategies, sharing spaces where everything is motivating, magical, fun, and incredible. Immersed in completely busy lives we have to continue finding the time to have that load of positive experiences that fill the batteries of our children because when there is a shortage of them it is a clear indicator that negative or let's say less constructive situations may arise, when we stop seeing the good side of things we inevitably see the bad or we get closer to the neutral and depending on our own personality we will return to the positive or we will go to the negative but keep in mind that there will be changes so never forget to laugh, share, play, sing, read, listen and invent any excuse to be with your children.
– [ ] Realistic
Children don't misbehave because they want to, but because they can't. There are many things to keep in mind during a tantrum, when a child unleashes all their inner arsenal (which they neither control nor understand) to express their internal incongruities, which with little experience are difficult to make less noticeable. It's nothing personal; they're not trying to ridicule the adult. Trying to make them aware of what they provoke around them at an early age is far from the purpose of this resolution, which is to learn to manage the volcanic energy that erupts from within them. They are in full effervescence and will never have the capacity to be objective enough to take into account the little old lady passing by and the reaction she might have upon seeing them. Forget about these facts and don't focus on others, but on your child, who is the one who needs you. This is also the most effective way to end this situation, which can be uncomfortable in certain situations and contexts.
- [ ] Rescue
Go to the point where your little one is, you have to give them a moment of expression and relief. In the end, one of the goals is usually that: to make space for something that blocks us and that normally comes out with the people with whom we allow ourselves to be ourselves with all the consequences, our parents and siblings. It is common to see mothers and fathers saying that these "tantrums" only come out with them, and that means nothing more than the bonds are perfectly consolidated and represent the solidity of the family as a space of strength where I can let go, unblock, and let flow what I have sometimes been controlling in other contexts for perhaps too long.
- [ ] Tranquillity
You're more nervous, I'm calmer. We must try to summon our more Zen side, the one that allows us, with all our maturity, to breathe and look beyond what we see on the surface, to empathize with our little ones and help them in the process of emerging from the cave of frustration. It's one of the feelings that go hand in hand with this type of process, triggered by a multitude of causes and provoking a wide range of situations: silence, anger, aggression, pain... That not knowing why has lowered our self-esteem and I can't face what I want to face naturally, as I do with millions of other things.
- [ ] Keen
Affection is something that should not be lacking in any stressful situation in order to face it in a receptive way, this happens in a multitude of everyday situations not only in the education of our children, but also at work, with our partner, with friends... The path of affection is much more effective, it strengthens trust and relationships than any other you have known, which is why the family establishes ties in this way, although it is true that individualities, egos, and comfort circles sometimes clash because they leave this aspect aside and focus on affection for oneself and forget how precious it is to be able to transfer this to others because it becomes much more powerful and constructive. A very effective tool is physical contact and height, we must bear in mind that our little ones are just that, little ones and height counts in these situations, try putting your child up at your same height or lower yourself down to their same height in such a way that eye contact is direct and equal, this will not only change the way in them but in you as well, it gives closeness, empathy and allows us to see things from another perspective because we break with the normal tones of positioning and this helps to get out of our self-absorption and consequently from theirs.
– [ ] Prevention
(hunger, loneliness, tiredness, boredom, frustration) when we have repetitive tantrums we can diagnose why they happen, when, in what situation, with what people, in what spaces, at what times... And this will give us the necessary tools to prevent them, one of the most interesting strategies that exist is to be able to pre-manage and avoid them in order to promote what we said at the beginning of positive practice, avoiding situations (which will always occur) where they may feel unprotected until they generate the necessary tools to put them into practice. It is not about putting them in a glass shell but rather enhancing their positive experiences so that when the not so positive ones come, they are able to manage their energy, again keeping the most abundant, the positive.
– [ ] Bad technologies
Away with distractions and incoherent examples. We are at a time when new technologies are deteriorating relationships. Conversations are conducted without attention and without eye contact. The examples they receive are filled with people glued to screens, answering questions from a distance and comforting children without contact. We may wonder why children are so eager for new technologies. They are attractive and motivating, but they are the first thing our parents do when they wake up and the last thing they do when they go to bed, not to mention the countless times we look at our phones, iPads, or sit down at the computer. Let us ask ourselves for a moment how much time a day we spend playing with our children, without interruption! Painting, telling them a story, dancing to our favorite songs, or jumping on the bed… It is interesting to see the new trends emerging in courses on mindfulness, on being where I am, enjoying and experiencing what I am doing in each moment. This is something very valuable that our children must take with them into the world.
– [ ] Without fear
No more aggression. All of our children's reactions provoke feelings in us, and reactions that are the result of this mirroring of their own reactions. When they're achievements, contagious laughter, their first steps, their relationships with objects... They're logically feelings of pride, happiness, joy... But it's logical, on the other hand, to think about the types of feelings that other things will provoke, like tantrums, aggression, crying... And this is an aspect to keep in mind because it will largely determine the type of response we generate to these situations. Sometimes our ego is affected when our children don't behave as we expect, when instead of being the parent of the child being bitten, they're the parent of the child doing the biting, when we put ourselves at the center of society's attention and prioritize what others will say over what we'll say to help our children. Consistency and emotional determination are the best tools we can find to establish the limits of our children's behavior under an umbrella of understanding, or else of support and security, giving rise to acceptance and the good fortune of having a father and a mother who will be there even if we are not perfect children.
– [ ] Talk, talk, and then talk.
It's the ultimate tool, not only in moments of tantrums, because it's often more difficult to establish dialogue here. Sensations, looks, and positions play a more important role in the first phase of connection. Then comes the more verbal phase, where we must analyze the situation, emotions, feelings, and thoughts, and verbalize them. For this, it's very important that our children have the prior skills to be able to face this situation of reflection, analysis, planning, and action with tools they've developed throughout their experiences with their parents. Stories where these situations occur so they can associate situations with other classmates, with siblings, and in other moments where everything was more easily understood because it was a game of reflecting on a more external situation, and this leads us to facilitate that moment of self-reflection.
Being parents, trying, trying, and putting all your imagination into it, making mistakes and asking for forgiveness, keeping trying, and you'll always be building a bridge directly to your children, who sometimes will be closer and other times farther away, but they'll always be proud and confident that you never stopped trying.
Cristina Oroz Bajo